i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
