Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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