I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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