apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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