it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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