I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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