Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
