So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
