my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
