i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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