I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
