When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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