i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
