I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
