I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
