Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
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