Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
