he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
