Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
