i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
