I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
