I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
