I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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