Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
