Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
