I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
