i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
