C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
