Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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