youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
