I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
