That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
