My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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