sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Let's paint friendship bongs
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
