remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
