Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
