I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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