sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
