maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
