I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
