just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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