I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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