I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
