New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
