the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
