i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
