i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I think I sprained my soul last night
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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