Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Randomize
