Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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