i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
