there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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