just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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