I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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