There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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