so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
