dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
