if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He passed out mid-signature
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
